bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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