I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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