Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
