There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
