I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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