Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
