i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
