Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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