so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
