Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
i think i just lost a toe
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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