I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
