Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
jump out the window naked night went bad
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