Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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