I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
