i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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