I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
