I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
