I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Vodka?
Forever.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Randomize
