I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
