he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
