and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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