he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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