The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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