What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
