i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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