don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
