Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
They are going to name an STD after you.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
