so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
