im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
