wrigley field is MILF paradise
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
