Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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