I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
