just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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