yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
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Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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