Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
