You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
