if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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