saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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