oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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