Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
