I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
