I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
