I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
