It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
