Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
