Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
