So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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