Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
