I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
