quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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