remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
