he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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