i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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