Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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