vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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