it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
