69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Randomize
