somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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