I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
this hospital has no fireball
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
