I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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