dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
